Kapinsky Resumes Deer Whistle Testing in Homemade Wind Tunnel

Self-appointed BMW Motorrad Safety Squadron Leader Ted Kapinsky declared early Monday evening that he would resume his much awaited deer whistle simulation testing in a homemade wind tunnel at his winter home in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin.

Kapinsky's study on the effectiveness of motorcycle deer whistles was cut short when he was kicked out of BMW's high-tech wind tunnel in Munich last summer for trespassing. Kapinsky allegedly snuck into the company's Efficient Dynamics Technology Workshop posing as a superbike mechanic. Staff became suspicious when he pulled a skin-tight rubber luge suit from his toolbox and ran into the facility's state-of-the-art tunnel. At a preliminary court hearing, BMW Technical Director Rainer Bäumel testified, "Herr Kapinsky had no less zan fünf deer vissels taped to zee top of hiz helmet. He vaz attempting to simulate a speed of zwei hundert und forty kilometers per hour ven vee finally tackled him."

Kapinsky maintains he did nothing wrong. He explained, "Those [Germans] didn't understand my testing. Deer scare the shit out of me. As Safety Squadron Leader, I think 8 whistles should be mandatory on every bike to scare those skittish bastards. And how else is a human supposed to make an ear-piercing sound between 5500 and 5700 hertz?? Duh."

Kapinsky is thrilled about his new, 16.75' long test tunnel, which he built in his basement this fall. He says the new tunnel features "a novel assemblage of adjustable airfoils fashioned from old grain elevator coupling plates." Kapinsky claims the airfoils produce a "notably consistent upstream pressure distribution" in the vicinity of the test subject, better mimicking the real world than "that stupid wind tunnel in Munich." The tunnel also features a trap door allowing Kapinsky to enjoy his favorite pipe with the aid of an assistant.

Though not operating a motor vehicle at the time, Kapinsky was broadsided by an elk in November 1999. His latest efforts hope to avoid another such episode.