Kapinsky to Speak at First Annual Motobox Garage Tech Weekend

Serbian-American inventor and ABS-3 brake enthusiast Ted Kapinsky is slated to appear as keynote speaker on Day 2 of this year's Motobox Garage Tech Weekend, already in session. Kapinsky volunteered his services late Saturday night, after a frantic phone call from a friend who attended the disastrous first day of the Motobox Garage sponsored event. Kapinsky's topic, "Flushing of ABS System III Control Circuit Reservoirs and Their Effect On Proper Engagement of Servo-Assist Mechanisms in Late Summer 2004 BMW Montauk Production Models—Causes and Effects," is expected to draw a record crowd—and save the day—at this first annual event.

When asked how he could prepare such a complicated presentation at the last minute, Kapinsky yawned, "I don't know why day one was such a disaster. Any idiot can flush this system. I know a chimp that can show you where the six bleed screws are for the front and rear control circuits on that bike. Well ... I guess I just have to play hero ... AGAIN."

Shown here is a recent photo of Kapinsky in the lobby of his company, Tesladyne Industries. Tesladyne is best known for the unfinished "Kapinsky Tower," which hopes to some day power motorcycles via wireless jolts of alternating current.

Deer Flock to Kapinsky Wind Tunnel Testing Facility

Earlier this evening, a security camera captured this image of a large herd of deer closing in on the home of self-proclaimed BMW Motorrad Safety Squadron Leader Ted Kapinsky. The curious event coincided with a 5:30 pm deer whistle simulation test Kapinsky was conducting in his newly renovated basement wind tunnel.

Frightened to death of deer, Kapinsky opened the basement door just a crack to shoo them away before retreating to his wind tunnel, where he is conducting experiments on the effectiveness of whistles to ward off deer, thereby reducing the number of motorcycle-deer collisions.

Kapinsky Resumes Deer Whistle Testing in Homemade Wind Tunnel

Self-appointed BMW Motorrad Safety Squadron Leader Ted Kapinsky declared early Monday evening that he would resume his much awaited deer whistle simulation testing in a homemade wind tunnel at his winter home in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin.

Kapinsky's study on the effectiveness of motorcycle deer whistles was cut short when he was kicked out of BMW's high-tech wind tunnel in Munich last summer for trespassing. Kapinsky allegedly snuck into the company's Efficient Dynamics Technology Workshop posing as a superbike mechanic. Staff became suspicious when he pulled a skin-tight rubber luge suit from his toolbox and ran into the facility's state-of-the-art tunnel. At a preliminary court hearing, BMW Technical Director Rainer Bäumel testified, "Herr Kapinsky had no less zan fünf deer vissels taped to zee top of hiz helmet. He vaz attempting to simulate a speed of zwei hundert und forty kilometers per hour ven vee finally tackled him."

Kapinsky maintains he did nothing wrong. He explained, "Those [Germans] didn't understand my testing. Deer scare the shit out of me. As Safety Squadron Leader, I think 8 whistles should be mandatory on every bike to scare those skittish bastards. And how else is a human supposed to make an ear-piercing sound between 5500 and 5700 hertz?? Duh."

Kapinsky is thrilled about his new, 16.75' long test tunnel, which he built in his basement this fall. He says the new tunnel features "a novel assemblage of adjustable airfoils fashioned from old grain elevator coupling plates." Kapinsky claims the airfoils produce a "notably consistent upstream pressure distribution" in the vicinity of the test subject, better mimicking the real world than "that stupid wind tunnel in Munich." The tunnel also features a trap door allowing Kapinsky to enjoy his favorite pipe with the aid of an assistant.

Though not operating a motor vehicle at the time, Kapinsky was broadsided by an elk in November 1999. His latest efforts hope to avoid another such episode.

Kapinsky to Write New Jingle for IBMWR Website License Plate Registry Page

International beat master and Internet BMW Riders Club lyricist Ted Kapinsky announced late Tuesday afternoon that he would be penning a new jingle to lure readers to the IBMWR website's License Plate Registry page. Public interest in the Registry has waned lately, and Kapinsky is on a mission to attract more readers to the page that contains the most extensive alphabetized listing of "IBMWR" vanity plates in the entire BMW motorcycle community.

The seeming disinterest in the License Plate Registry page doesn't sit well with the usually demure Kapinsky, who started writing the new jingle late last night. "Yeah, I'm more than a little freakin' concerned," explained Kapinsky. "Custom plates are where it's freakin' at. I know I'd want one, if I had a freakin' bike. It's ultra freakin' prestigious. And that's why I wrote the freakin' jingle ... I mean, like, where's Rhode Island ... where's freakin' Utah? Christ, all you gotta do is ... (unintelligible) ... freakin' Motor Vehicle Department and we ... (garbled) ... your freakin' ass to the page."

The new jingle features cascading banjo and 12-string guitar lines, interwoven with Kapinsky's own lilting, falsetto Welsh tenor, punctuated by a series of shrill barn owl hoots, in B-flat minor. The lyrics are a testament to the thrill of the ride:

Find a single in your area
BMW single, that is (Woo)
Or sit yoself on a t-t-t-twin
A ride that never ends! (Woot!)
Never ends!
Never ends!
Never ends!
(repeat to fade)

Readers will be able to hear the jingle by downloading the Kapinsky SoundMaster plug-in for $34.95, then re-directing their browsers to the License Plate Registry page (5th link from the top in the "Resources" column just to the right of the main content area on the IBMWR homepage).

Though not a motorcycle rider himself, Kapinsky does own a collection of vintage crash helmets. He is seen here behind his state-of-the-art mixing console, laying down the crucial rhythm tracks for the new jingle.

New Weapon in Fight Against Gay Kickboxers

Here come Handerpants! These 95% cotton, 5% spandex, fingerless gloves have the look and feel of men's briefs. Slip them on underneath your gloves for extra warmth and protection from chafing! Wear them on their own as a vaguely inappropriate fashion statement! Scare away angry, Busch-swilling gay kickboxers at the next Dells Rally! Hundreds of uses! Available only at Archie McPhee.

Overly Helpful Kapinsky Volunteers to Rebuild Vintage Bosch Horn Assemblies

Long time tinkerer and member of the Vintage BMW Motorcycle Owners Club Ted Kapinsky announced this morning that he would be delighted to help anyone in need of restoring a vintage Bosch horn assembly.

When asked why he was being so helpful, Kapinsky shrugged his shoulders modestly and muttered, "One terminal is wired to +6 volts, the other to the horn button. When the button is pressed, it makes a connection to the ground, and electrons flow through the horn. By probing backwards in the circuit with my multimeter, I found that there was continuity—or zero resistance, as I prefer to call it—to the spring clip on the points. To inspect those properly, one has to count five turns when unscrewing the nut from the adjusting screw."

Fellow VBMWO member and acquaintance of Kapinsky Darryl Richman (#6285) quipped, "Ted isn't happy unless he's helping someone else, even if they don't really want his help and have told him to get lost. He thinks he's a f**king know-it-all, and he usually doesn't leave until he breaks something."

Although he never learned to ride a motorcycle himself, Ted is after the loudest and clearest vintage horn sound possible. Pictured here with his second favorite pipe, Kapinsky relaxes after reinstalling the six small screws that hold the cover and diaphragm to the horn body, at first only tightening them a couple turns, then the rest of the way until they're all in place, using an alternating pattern.

Count Floyd Attends Two Airbox Rebel Rallies

SCTV's Count Floyd (host of Monster Chiller Horror Theatre and Count Floyd's Scary Stories) made late night appearances at two recent Airbox Rebel rallies, the 2nd Annual Feckin Rally and the 7th Annual Broken Nose Rally.

Also in attendance at Broken Nose ... CCCP1's Irina Zoyusha. Please, no CCCP2 jokes today!

Kapinsky Announces New Location for Next Year's MOA Rally

Well known visionary and friend of BMW Motorrad Ted Kapinsky announced Tuesday that the 2011 BMW MOA International Rally will take place in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin and not somewhere in Eastern Pennsylvania as originally planned.

The MOA is very excited about the event, and Kapinsky repeatedly assured the Board that there will be no conflict with the Corn Feed and Street Dance scheduled to take place on the same weekend.

Kapinsky's wife, Mary Newman, known for her charitable work at the Wissota Springs Assisted Living Center, also serves on the Chippewa Falls Area Chamber of Commerce Board of Directors. She confirmed the rally's new location, just behind the Berean Bible Church off Grand Avenue. Newman added, "Ted's so ingenious, so nice to everyone ... it's not a surprise that the MOA chose him to announce the new spot for next year's rally. He's wonderful at that sort of thing. That's why we call him the Oracle of Chippewa Falls."

Although he never learned to ride a motorcycle himself, Ted appreciates their sensibleness. He is pictured here with his favorite pipe at the couple's summer home in Cooks Valley.

Rudy Loses Bet at 7th Annual Broken Nose Rally

The 7th Annual Broken Nose Rally took place this weekend at Wildcat Mountain State Park. Highlights included Friday night fish fry in Ontario, great local riding, a liquor stop at the Hootch Hut in Tomah, and the first ever appearance by The Beer Guy, singing our favorite song from The Student Prince.

Also of note ... Rudy lost a bet over the size of his man part and was forced to drink a gallon of his own urine. The positive outcome? Rudy says it tasted just like Bud Light.

Saturday night campfire attendees included Aldis & Cheryl, Rudy, Charlie, Wes & Jackie, Troy, and Trevor. The rally name stems from a late night incident involving Aldis' face and a felled tree. See you next year!

2nd Annual Feckin Rally Lightbox

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2nd Annual Feckin Rally, a.k.a. Numb Nuts 2, a.k.a. Very Scaaaary Rally

Describe the rally in one sentence or less ... go! Day one featured brunch with adult PB & Js at Off the Hook in Algoma, a quick ride to Peninsula State Park (full of people from Illinois), another quick ride to Potawatomi State Park and tent setup, dinner at Pooh's Corner Pub in Sturgeon Bay (Point on tap!), purchasing of anti-Illinois t-shirts, then back for a great camp fire, Feckin Irish Whiskey, monkey jokes, and camp stories ... until the Ranger Lady floated out of the mist and told us to knock off that sort of behavior, which eventually brought us to day two, which started with breakfast at Baileys Harbor Fish Market (best hash in Wisconsin!), where we met up with Rick, rode up the Bay to Northport (fantastic fall colors), stopping at every dead end road along the way, which brings us to the fact that we don't tease anyone who drops their bike, as it happens to all of us at one time or other, so instead, we name the intersection or campsite after you, which is why our final ride down the twisty section to Northport started at Rick's Crossing, and we rode this section three times (damn Buicks!), onward to Gills Rock and Charlie's Smoked Fish Shop (no, not named after our Charlie :)), Door County Bakery, Home of the Corsica Loaf, then a scenic overlook where we watched a man attach a hook to the end of a stick to rescue a camera from a precipice, stopping a bit at Bob's RV for beer, cherry bounce, and pear wine, hooking up with John, followed by dinner at the Neighborhood Pub in Sturgeon Bay for excellent Octoberfest food, Spätzle and other German stuff, headed back to base where our campfire started early, Aldis doing his verrry scaaary Count Floyd impersonation, followed by Jackie peeing herself, later looking for the comet in the constellation Cassiopeia even though we couldn't even find the Big Dipper :), and so by day three, there were group pictures, with John claiming the naming rights for our camp site (what was it, anyway?), and finally the group split, with Aldis, John, and Rudy heading south and home, while Wes, Jackie, and Charlie went for breakfast in Sturgeon Bay, again eating the best hash in Wisconsin, then riding up the lake side to Newport Park, Old Stage Road, through Cave Point and down Glidden Road, finally splitting up at the intersection of 57 and 42, bringing the rally to a close :(

40th Annual Dells Rally

A fun time was had by all at the 40th Annual Dells Rally. According to the official Airbox Rebel Journal, Saturday night's campfire was attended by Aldis and Cheryl, Rudy, Steve and Nancy, and Chris and Angie.

Here Rudy takes a snooze after a bout with several uptight, Busch-swilling gay kickboxers that were also in attendance.